Anger Management, or, How Not To Blow Up Your Life Every Other Day

I am deliberately posting this on the antithetical day, because even on the day of loooove–maybe even more so in some cases–people still get riled up. And because it tickles my sense of humor to post about anger on Valentine’s Day. Yes, I’m goofy. Didn’t you already know that?

There is nothing wrong with being angry. I get mad all the time. I used to punch holes in the walls when I got mad (of course, I generally picked thin and fragile walls to begin with–I’m not stupid).   … It recently occurred to me that I needed to write down my approach to handling anger, in part to have something to put up on my wall and remind myself how I want to behave; and it also occurred to me that others might find it useful as well. (A lot of these points tie into professional behavior–but I’m not sidetracking into that discussion right now!)

So, here you go: 

* Don’t assume you know everything about a given situation. Ask questions before you jump to conclusions; the answers will often make getting angry entirely unneccessary.

* You can’t control other people. You can only control your reactions to other people.

* Unless you’re a professionally trained therapist or doctor, don’t try to “save” anyone from themselves. You don’t know how and you’ll only make things worse in the end.

* Don’t escalate. Respond with matching or lesser force to any aggression.

* Keep in mind that whatever makes you the most angry about another person is probably related to something about yourself that you don’t want to face.

* When you’re angry, don’t talk to people who will make that anger worse by “egging you on”. Talk to people who will listen, sympathize, then say, “Yes, but–” and present the possible other side– and really think about what they say.

* Don’t hold grudges against others. Resolve a situation and let it go. Everyone screws up. Get over it.

* Don’t hold grudges against yourself. Admit to mistakes, make amends, and let it go. Everyone screws up. Get over it.

* Apologies are not absolution. Truly taking responsibility for your mistakes often requires more than just words–it requires a change in the behavior that caused the situation you’re apologizing about.

* Nobody is 100% good and very, very few people are 100% evil. If you find yourself demonizing another person, stop and ask yourself what is good about that person–and why you feel the need to be so angry with that person in the first place.

* When you’re angry, write down ten things you’re grateful for–like sunshine, and snow, and being alive in the first place. Make yourself look at the blessings in your life, instead of the problems. This will help you calm down and give you much needed perspective.

* Avoid people who lie, manipulate, and have poor impulse control or maturity issues. Spend time with people who encourage you to reach for your best self, rather than your worst.

* Look in the mirror in the morning and ask yourself if, yesterday, you acted like the person you really want to be; if you are proud of everything you did the day before. If the answer is no (and it will be), figure out one thing you can do that day that is in line with your best self. When that becomes easy, make it two things. When that becomes easy, do three “true to yourself” things a day. Etc.  (If the answer is ever “yes”, then apply for a sainthood straight away.)

* Never, ever, ever send an email to, answer a phone call from, or call someone you are angry with, until you have calmed down and are absolutely sure of all of the facts, and of what you want to do about the situation.

So that’s what I’m striving toward in my life. How do you handle being angry? Curious writers wanna know.

 

Who Am I?

I don’t know who I am.

No, I don’t have amnesia–and no, this isn’t going to be an angsty rant about “finding yourself”.

It’s a cycle I haven’t found an answer to yet: who am I? Really. Seriously. Who am I?

I know who I’ve been: youngest of four kids; dorky-geeky kid in school; high school rebel; wife; ex-wife; second wife; stepmother. I’ve been a good person who did the right thing, and a bad person who did the exact wrong thing; I’ve been all sorts of muddled up variations inbetween, from doing the right thing for the wrong reasons to the wrong thing for the right reasons. I’ve helped people. I’ve hurt people. I’ve nailed down some amazing achievements, stuff I will always be proud and astonished about. I wish I could go back in time and just erase some moments of my life, because they were so dreadfully, awfully stupid. I’ve said some horrible, hurtful, and just flat out moronic things. I’ve said some wise and perceptive and helpful things.

This is no different from any other person walking the earth at this moment. I know that. But.

There are days that I look back over what I’ve done in life up to this moment and think: those can’t honestly all be the same person. I see such wild, chaotic variations from one day, one month, one year to the next that I cannot imagine what path led from one point to another. I feel like I’m in a pinball machine, careening wildly along a landscape of ever-changing influences.

Bereft of a clear connection, an understanding of how did I get here, anyway?, I’m left with the oddly rootless sensation of not knowing who I am. Sometimes, writing helps me sort through that disconnect. Sometimes, I have to sleep it off. Sometimes I just have to shrug and get on with whatever’s at hand that day, because whether or not I know how I got here–well–I’m here. And whether or not I understand who I am doesn’t affect the fact that there’s laundry and dishes and dinner to handle, emails to answer and phone calls to make. The sun will come up and go down on my confusion without even noticing. Starving children in India could care less about my connection to anything at all.

But. Still. All the same.

Without warning, without apparent prompt, and without an easy answer, I am repeatedly tackled by that voice in the back of my mind that asks, over and over and over: who am I? who am I, really? who am I? I recite my name, I repeat my location, I tell myself about who I’ve been–but I’m beginning to suspect the question has nothing to do with the past after all.

Maybe the question I’m really asking myself is: who am I becoming? and do I want to be that person?

More than a little scary. More than a little worrisome. Makes me wonder if the nice men in white coats will be coming for me soon.

I hope not.

I still have a few novels to finish before they take me away, you see; because one thing that hasn’t changed through all of my self-questioning is this: I have writing to get done. I have stories to tell. I don’t like hanging a label on myself, even the label of “I am a writer”; but I am comfortable saying that I write.

Who I am and what I do … I don’t think they’re the same thing. Who I am has changed, over and over and over. What I do…the fact that I write every chance I get…that hasn’t. And probably won’t. But ask me tomorrow–because I might, like Alice, be someone completely different in the morning.

 

Fire and Such

Fall: a time of cold air and fires and fallen leaves. And contemplation. Here’s a new post about the changes in my life over the years, professionally and personally–did you know I used to smoke? Yep…. I quit a while ago, before moving to Virginia. And I am sooooooo glad I did–both move and quit smoking, that is. Anyway, for more fascinating facts (and I tie it into living a creative life, I promise), check out Fire It Up.

 

Roller Coaster Time . . .

Let’s talk time.

I finally picked up a 2010/2011 dayplanner. Yes, yes, I can hear you tech types saying “just get an iTouch” (or similar digital device)–but I like scribbling away in a notebook, so nuts to that. While transferring entries from my current book to my new book, and filling in stuff planned out through next year, it occurred to me that I really AM busy these days. Free weekends are precious and rare things, and evenings are packed full with obligations too. I’m committed to at least one long drive or trip a week, whether that be from here to Suffolk to see grandkids, or from here to Virginia Beach for a book signing, or from here to Ohio, Georgia, New Jersey, Florida, or Maryland for a family trip or convention.

I am so hoping the price of gas stays LOW….

And it’s a little strange, this process of having to look six to twelve months out to schedule even family events. I already have Christmas arranged, for example, and I’ve previously been the kind of person who just wings it–”Oh, yeah, I’m coming down next week, no idea for how long”…but that doesn’t work any longer. I feel rather disoriented over the entire changing process, and much more aware of the value of free time to just kick around in the garden or with friends over dinner.

And I’m grateful, too, that I’ve been working for years to develop a sense of scheduling; thankful for my attempts at being a graphic designer and massage therapist, both of which forced me into keeping track of my hours in a way I’d never done before. I couldn’t do this without having been through that.

What are YOUR time management strategies? How have they changed in the past few years, and why? Do you carry around a digital scheduling thingy or a pen and paper book, and do you ever want to switch? I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences, especially if you’ve moved from amateur to pro in the last few years. I had no idea how profound the changes would be, and I’m wondering how other people have been handling the process….